I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
It's almost comical sometimes the way problems in your life creep up on you. In reality, many of these problems have been there for quite some time, it's just taken a while to recognize them. When the time comes for a person to finally see that they have a problem, it comes as a shock. You realize the signs and symptoms have been there, but you've failed to notice them. The revelation comes down hard and it's almost too much to bare.I used to think I was just a lazy person who procrastinated all the time. I definitely knew I wasn't the most outgoing person, but I've tried to improve that over the years. Taking the journalism program was a way for me to force myself to come out of my shell. Again I've improved from where I was, but I think I've come to the conclusion that it's something bigger than just shyness.
I'll use a situation I'm going through right now as an example. We go through cycles in our Newspaper class. When we do the paper portion, we must contribute 18-inches of newspaper copy to get a passing grade. Right now I have no real complete story done. I'm pretty sure over the past few weeks I've had the opportunity to go out and do stories, but something from inside me pulls me back.
Last year and the year before I felt the same thing, but I was able to supress it so I could get the job done. This year, however, it's seemed to have increased ten-fold. I feel like I have this wretching feeling at the bottom of my chest in my diaphragm area. It is my constant worrying about approaching someone for an interview. I've completely gotten over the idea of someone shooting me down and not talking to me; that doesn't phase me anymore. What bothers me is actually doing it. And I feel way worse about doing phone interviews over in-person interviews. But I hate both a lot.
When I speak to people I sometimes have significant trouble getting the thoughts I want to say out of my mouth. It's almost overwhelming at times and it seems to be uncontrollable. I think it's my inner fear of saying something stupid that's doing it. It's changed who I am over time as well.
I used to be pretty opinionated on subjects, but over the last few years I've slowly become complacent or more apathetic to what people are arguing about. It's like I've lost the ability to think up arguments in a subject that matters to me. Sure there are the odd times where I can believe in something and argue it, but I think the majority of the time it's the opposite.
I'm sick of feeling this way and it's becoming such a debilitating issue for me. I want to put an end to it, but at the same time I don't totally feel comfortable talking to a therapist about it. I firmly believe that action is the best option here and just talking about it will solve nothing, because I already know what's wrong with me, I don't need confirmation. Also, while medication seems like the best escape at the moment, I'm not too sure I'd like the side effects.
I hate journalism. But I've never failed anything before, I can't start now.
Peace.
posted by Sean @ 2:13 PM
Comments: 14
